The Andrew Smith Project

Location of the Jig

2005-05-10T14:35:00.000-07:00

Where, you all ask, is the jig?

It is up, my friend.

Up.

(see WhoIsChloëFilson? for details).

The Last Post:
Andrew Smith is great, and I feel that the rumours we have both heard for many years will at last come true. And although he claims that I won, he is truly the winner, because it was his idea to blogthis in the first place.

Thank you all, and have a pleasant afternoon.

(dramatic fade-out)

Geoff: Not Chloë

2005-05-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

GeoffisnotChloe
Originally uploaded by ChloÃ« Jasmin Filson.

I will admit that Geoff lives in my house.

But it's only for a month.

(That's how long these alternate personality flashes usually last.)

A York Student?

2005-05-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

Using one of Andrew Smith's favourite tactics, that is of course the Google search, I have found out that Andrew Smith once received an Honorable Mention for the York University President's Prize in creative writing. This occured on 12 April 2005. Click on the title ("A York Student?") for a link to the article, which was published in the Y-file, York University's "daily bulletin".

We now know that Andrew Smith attends York University, or did attend York University at some point in the recent past, or at least snuck his way into their creative writing competition. We also know that he writes poems.

Hey wait a second, I write poems too.(see the previous post "Dr. Strangedog" for proof)

I think it's time for YOU to "quit copying" ME, Mr. Smith.

It will be interesting to see which one of us is left with our apparently mutual identity after this blog frenzy. CAN we coexist?

He Eats!

2005-05-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

Andrew Smith eats a bun
Originally uploaded by ChloÃ« Jasmin Filson.

Here is proof that Andrew Smith does, in fact, eat. He eats buns.

Or at least, he considers eating buns.

Geoff Thought We Already Knew Each Other

2005-05-02T17:41:00.000-07:00

It turns out that Geoff Cameron thought Andrew Smith and I already knew each other, and were just doing this "to be funny".

How wrong you were, Geoff Cameron.

Saddle Up

2005-05-02T17:23:00.000-07:00

Andrew Smith used to work for Jack Lenz - another who may now be added to the guilty parties list - timing music for the television show "The Saddle Club". "The Saddle Club" was a series of books about four young (around 11) female friends who all were horseback riders. The show was filmed in Australia, I believe. One of the girls had a crush on the stableboy.

I sometimes used to watch "The Saddle Club" at the request of a young girl that I used to babysit.

This connection is uncanny, and by far the most disturbing.

Guest List

2005-05-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

Here is an updated list of guilty parties (people who know both myself and Andrew Smith):

Dave Aquilina
Laura Barkley (Mrs. Laura Proctor, as of Saturday)
Julie Benoit
Samuel Benoit
Geron Bindseil
Blair Cameron
Geoff Cameron
Craig Desson
Allister Foster
Bayan Foyle
Saba Foyle
Chris Gammage
David Parker-Katiraee
Layla Parker-Katiraee
Esther Maloney
Seumas Li McGrath
Lindsay McKye
Robin Proctor
Ilya Shodjaii-Zrudlo (apologies for the incorrect spelling of the surname)
Heather Smith
Melanie Smith (his own sister!)

It seems that no less than twenty-one people (and counting) are the minions of destiny.

Please give me a shout on the comments page if you should be added to the list.

Cameron Brothers Acknowledge Existence of Andrew Smith

2005-05-01T23:44:00.000-07:00

Today, Geoff Cameron moved into my house. He will be staying for (only!) a month to do a summer course at Trent, and is subletting the room of my housemate, who will be leaving for B.C. tomorrow. Geoff's father and brother, Blair, with whom I've had the pleasure of being at camp, drove up today with Geoff.

Due to commentary made by Geoff and Blair about the humour of this cyberchase, it was discovered that both Cameron brothers, though outwardly handsome and charming, must now also be added to the list of guilty parties. This party is getting crowded!

Geoff also noted that Andrew Smith and Melanie Smith (siblings) "are nothing alike".

In other news, Rorry and Jeanette Cruikshank have returned from their pilgrimage to the Baha'i World Centre in Haifa, Israel. During their visit, they had dinner with Peter Smith. Peter Smith is Andrew Smith's father.

From this information we can deduce the following:

A) Peter Smith, Andrew Smith's father, is in Haifa, Israel. Geoff confirms this story.
B) Peter Smith eats dinner. Possibly even on a regular basis. Can the same be said of his offspring? Only time will tell.
C) Andrew Smith is in Toronto, Canada, but I have no idea of what, if anything, he eats.

The plot thickens.

The Other Side of the Fence

2005-04-30T21:23:00.000-07:00

It seems that it is grass, and not me, that makes Dave Aquilina uncomfortable. I feel that this is an important distinction to make. Perhaps it is explained by the fact that he lives in the city? Perhaps having met me only once, and having sat on grass only once, he may have confused the two? One thing is clear: I am not grass.

Personally, it was not Dave Aquilina, or the grass, that made me uncomfortable that summer evening long ago; it was the chill.

Interview with Chloë Filson

2005-04-30T19:38:00.000-07:00

Self: Good evening, Chloë. How are you doing today?

Chloë Filson: You should know; you've been around for years. Ever since I was born, really.

Self: How very true. So, I have a few questions for you, Chloë. You up for it?

Chloë Filson: Sure. Shoot.

Self: How do you feel about this whole Andrew Smith cyberchase?

Chloë Filson: Well at first I thought it was both awesome and hilarious. Sam was absolutely correct when he commented that I "would adore this kind of thing".

Self: Yes he was, wasn't he. And how do you feel about it now?

Chloë Filson: I'm pretty amazed that this level of hilarity and awesomeness has managed to endure for this long. I would think that something of this magnitude would have fizzled out much longer ago. I'm impressed with the stamina.

Self: And what do you think of the content of both sites?

Chloë Filson: In the case of blogs, the lack of tone of voice necessitates hyperbole of language to maintain an obvious level of good clean hilarity, which I think both sites have managed to do successfully up until recently.

Self: What happened recently? Are you possibly referring to the posting of your address along with the satellite photo of your house?

Chloë Filson: No. I was a bit off-put when I first saw that post, but after I looked at the picture and realized that it was from such a distance, I understood that it was much more funny than disturbing.

Self: So then are you referring to the two recent posts about two different people feeling "uncomfortable" around you?

Chloë Filson: Why, yes! How on earth did you know that?!

Self: Well I am you, after all.

Chloë Filson: Ah yes. There is that.

Self: So? What are you referring to those two posts about?

Chloë Filson: To be quite honest, it doesn't really feel that great to hear that you've made people feel uncomfortable or awkward, especially since I would never intentionally make anyone feel that way.

Self: No, it wouldn't feel great.

Chloë Filson: And also, the second of the two was posted not a day after I posted my friendly disclaimer. I felt I had done some good in establishing no hard feelings, and then I saw the post about Dave. First impressions are always awkward! I'm always a bit shy at the beginning because I'm scoping out the scene. And I would be exponentially more shy when scoping the scene of the new(ish) boyfriend of a good friend.

Self: Totally understandable.

Chloë Filson: I just feel as though I've been very careful to give Andrew Smith the benefit of the doubt, and I haven't recently been feeling that he has given me the same. I never wanted this to become a war. I still don't want it to become a war. I am still willing, of course, to be friends, and I am still willing to assume that he means no harm and is only aiming to be exaggerated and funny. But right now I have only an assumption.

Self: So what would you say to Andrew Smith if you could?

Chloë Filson: Hmmm. Okay: It would be great if you could either refrain from telling the world that I make people feel uncomfortable (particularly because I clearly don't mean to do it), or if you insist on doing so, at least be more blatantly hyperbolic in the way that you do so, so that I stop feeling hurt and pick up on the intended humour.

Self: Anything else?

Chloë Filson: I still think you're awesome and I still want to meet you, despite your unintentionally disheartening comment about possibly not wanting to meet me. See? Benefit of the doubt. It's all I ask.

Self: Well, it's been wonderful to have you here. In my body. And house. I look forward to seeing you again. Likely in a mirror. Have a lovely evening.

Chloë Filson: You as well. Goodnight.

Veronica and Brittany are Weirdos

2005-04-29T08:16:00.000-07:00

This just in: Veronica and Brittany are both big weirdos. I thought it important to notify the public of this.

Belated Disclaimer

2005-04-28T14:25:00.000-07:00

Before it's too late, and before either of us steps over the furthest line (which hopefully will never happen), I would like to disclaim the following:

I do not wish to hurt Andrew Smith's feelings, fracture his ego, publish slander about him, poke him in the proverbial eyes with my outrageous speculation, spread rumours, backbite in any way (!), or otherwise harm Andrew Smith or his family / friends / acquaintances / et. al.

Most of what is posted here is highly outrageous speculation, and is meant to be funny rather than hurtful. I will never outright lie, and everything is based on truth (or what I assume to be truth from whom I assume to be reasonably trustworthy sources); the outrageous speculation is on purpose, and is my greatest defense against similar outrageous speculation that goes on at WhoIsChloeFilson?. It is truly meant to be all in good fun.

If at any point I do step over the line into any of the aforementioned inappropriate uses of this forum, I would hope that all you wonderful kids out there in radioland (cyberspace) would leave comments calling me on it. Hopefully that will never happen; if it does, it certainly will have been unintentional.

Finally, I must say that I am pretty excited to meet Andrew Smith, and I hope that we get along and can be friends. I hope he feels to some degree that he has met his match, because I know that personally I have very much appreciated his intelligence, eloquence, and humour.
Aww, how sweet.

Andrew Smith Involved in Hostage Situation

2005-04-28T08:50:00.001-07:00

I received the following e-mail from an old classmate of Andrew Smith's:

I went to Nancy Campbell for a period of time when such characters like
Andrew Smith, Chris Gammage, and Robin Procter attented the school also. One
birthday of Chris, his (aforementioned) friends blindfolded him, tied him up
and drove him around (once to the Nancy residence, which is where I entered
the scene). Somebody put a condom over his hand, since they were tied. I
believe this was done by a Noah Rothfeder. I remember this because I took
photos. I do not know who drove on this occasion-- it could have been
Andrew, or Robin. But Andrew was involved, that is a fact.

On a more positive note, the first time I heard the bands Choke and Moneen,
it was because of Andrew (and Chris).

One time I went to the Smith house, and I found it very nice and welcoming.
I enjoyed myself. I think the Smiths are good people. My relationship with
Mr. Smith was that of a teacher/student, and my relationship with Andrew and
Melanie was of fellow students.

I hope my perspective on and memories of Andrew Smith have helped.
Maaike Brender a Brandis
Regina, Saskatchewan

I really appreciate your help, Maaike!
I wonder what the "nice and welcoming" Smith household thinks of Andrew Smith's outrageous shenanigans?

It seems that either there is just less dirt on me, or fewer people know me. Because the dirt on Andrew Smith is flying in from all sides!

Drag Racing Rumours Throw Chase Off Track

2005-04-26T13:29:00.000-07:00

I have received further intelligence on the story about drag racing. This new testimonial claimed that "Robin was probably exaggerating" and that "it wasn't really drag racing, exactly".

Andrew Smith was attempting to high five someone (Chris Gammage I believe, and whom I met at the same Wildfire session as Melanie Smith, both of whom probably don't remember me at all). Apparently, Andrew Smith was hanging out the window and refused to get fully back into the driver's seat until Chris high-fived him. Andrew Smith was driving a van, and Robin (who did not admit to driving when I heard the story from him) was driving a truck. Sam was in this truck. Chris also must have been in this truck.

When they were cornered in a parking lot by three police vehicles (Robin's story, which has now been reinforced by Sam's testimonial), Andrew Smith apparently got out and starting walking toward them to discuss the matter. According to Sam, Robin did not think this was a good idea.

I'm getting mixed messages from Robin and Sam. Ideally I would hold both of them hostage in separate rooms and interrogate them; I'm betting, based on the stories so far, that the entire fabrication would fall apart completely. Get the story straight before you tell it to the judge, boys. I have a feeling that this story isn't over quite yet, and that more evidence will freeze this dark episode of Andrew Smith's past into sharp relief before we are done here.

Adventures in Punctuation

2005-04-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

It appears from the last few posts on WhoIsChloeFilson? that Andrew Smith has learned how to properly spell my (full!) name. Would someone who actually knows him please give him a pat on the back for me? Huzzah!

That is all.

Official Apology to Marjan Batchelor

2005-04-26T07:45:00.000-07:00

First of all: What?

I've been hearing about Marjan from those Benoits and that James for years now, and it's become sort of a recurring joke that I haven't ever met Marjan. Let me reiterate: I haven't ever met Marjan. Is she talking about someone else?

However if I have ever been possessed by demons / abducted by aliens who left a convincing hologram in my place / delusional with scarlet fever / turned temporarily into a zombie / usurped of my identity and physicality by a mad scientist, then it is possible that I have met Marjan. If that is the case, I offer a sincere apology for making her feel "uncomfortable" and hope that we will get along if / when we finally do meet one another.

And to set the record crooked, I have never been invited to stay with the Benoits; I have only ever, and on numerous occasions, barged right in whenever I felt like it. Take that, Benoits!

Request for Dirt Exposed!

2005-04-24T21:59:00.000-07:00

The following is an e-mail that Samuel Benoit received from Andrew Smith. Sam's comment to me was "Lord knows how many of these babies he's been sending out".

Dear Sam,

Please send any dirt, smut, or soot you have on Chloe Filson.

Love,
Andrew

To The Finish

2005-04-24T13:41:00.000-07:00

Fresh meat on the Andrew Smith Project grill (an ironic statement coming from a recently-deduced vegetarian like myself):

Andrew Smith once got pulled over for drag racing!
Robin was in the other car. Apparently three cop cars eventually cornered them in a parking lot. What drama!
Andrew Smith was allegedly "sorry".

Look out, Toronto: the streets are, in fact and in glorious affirmation of cliché, pretty mean.
At least when Andrew Smith is on them.
Sometimes.

Thus we conclude: When it comes to drag racing, Andrew Smith likes it fast, and Andrew Smith likes it furious.

Admittedly this is not very helpful, considering that these two qualities pretty much encapsulate the activity itself. Circular reasoning?

Any information on who actually won this drag race would indeed be welcome.
I'm betting on Andrew Smith, based on his newly-discovered penchant for speed and rage.

In the inevitable drag race for my life, I will choose Andrew Smith as my driver.
Or possibly my COUSIN Elliot, who drove me to Trent on the first day at an unexaggerated and ridiculous 160 kilometres per hour. I'm lucky to be alive. How's THAT for a clue, Andrew Smith?

Five False Claims

2005-04-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

No less than five comments by "chloe filson" have been posted on Andrew Smith's blog "Who is Chloe Filson?". Though generally pretty funny, none of these comments were actually me.

I feel like Anastasia, except that I'm still alive and can actually be found. So I guess I feel however Anastasia might have felt, had she been alive to see the throngs of people who were claiming her identity.

Andrew Smith May Have Played Catch Once

2005-04-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

Andrew Smith was playing catch with Geron. "It was like a Holy Day or something", Geron says. Andrew Smith threw the ball and hit Geron in the... kneecap. Geron says "it hurt".

Also, this may or may not, in fact, have been Andrew Smith. Geron can't really remember. But it was at his house. Andrew Smith's house, I mean.

Andrew Smith! (or possibly someone else.)
What a scoundrel! (possibly not.)

Primary Communication

2005-04-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe I forgot to post this at the outset.

On April 11, 2005, I received a communication from Andrew Smith via an e-mail from Heather Smith (no proven relation). The message was:

To Whomever this may concern, Quit copying me. Andrew Smith

Melanie Smith Exists!

2005-04-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

Melanie Smith
Originally uploaded by ChloÃ« Jasmin Filson.

Here we have a photo of Andrew Smith's sister Melanie, as donated to our noble cause by Laura.

I definitely remember being with her at Wildfire at least once. Sam was there. And Seumas and Kathleen. And others, I'm sure....

I was there.
Where was Andrew Smith?

I suppose that it was fate; if he had been at Wildfire that one time, this whole ridiculous / awesome game could never have come into being.

So I thank you, Andrew Smith, for skipping out on that specific Wildfire session. You were laying the foundation of the future.

Jug Totters

2005-04-21T00:02:00.000-07:00

Here is Andrew Smith's horoscope for the week of April 18th - 24th, 2005.
To see it in full, click on the title ("Jug Totters").

The best point was the advice to "keep your personal life and communications away from your career life", with the comment about Andrew Smith's "ungrateful children" coming in at a close second.

My question for dailyscopes.com: Who or what is Jug Totters?

We here at The Andrew Smith Project wish him well throughout his week, and hope that all turns out for the best.

Age of Aquarius

2005-04-20T23:32:00.000-07:00

It has been discovered that Andrew Smith's birthday is February 2nd (Geron thinks), and therefore his zodiac sign is Aquarius. For a full profile of Aquarius from dailyscopes.com, click on the title ("Age of Aquarius").

Apparently the key qualities of the Aquarius person are:

STUBBORN
- no information yet as to whether or not this is true of Andrew Smith

SOCIETAL
- not really sure what dailyscopes.com is implying with this characteristic
- what does this mean? the only word association i'm getting with this one is 'territorial', which could be funny considering Andrew Smith's love of toilets, but mostly I think it reflects oddly on me that the only word I can immediately associate with "societal" is 'territorial'

MENTAL POISE
- this reflects poorly on dailyscopes.com: 'mental poise' is not an adjective. (one of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong)
- reflects well on Andrew Smith, however, and is quite plausible considering the high standard of eloquence that he maintains on his website about me
- also it is a well-known fact that geniuses (what is the plural of that anyway? how does one spell it? clearly i am not one) are often totally bonkers; this evidence leads me to believe that Andrew Smith may in fact be a genius

OPINIONATED
- again, no clear evidence regarding this just yet

UNCONVENTIONAL
- clearly a winner!

MUSICAL
- two for two! (assuming we started counting at "opinionated")

REBELLIOUS
- some evidence to sway me toward believing this one, but not enough just yet

This website also claimed that "they [Aquarians] tend to attract many friends and acquaintances in life". It's amazing how they can even do this by creating websites about people they've never met.

Toilet Pictures

2005-04-20T23:17:00.000-07:00

Click on the title ("Toilet Pictures") to go to a website created many moons ago by Andrew Smith.

Just to ruin the surprise: it contains photos and quotes about toilets.

That picture of Andrew Smith licking the toilet (see the entry "You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth?") is from this website, although I didn't know that at the time.

Oh, Andrew Smith.
Oh my.

Orangeman

2005-04-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

Here is a fantastic and helpful story I got from Geron at the Holy Day celebration tonight:

Andrew Smith used to do skits with Geron at Wildfire. Some of these skits were "Greek comedies" and involved wearing togas. They also involved jokes like "Sock-rates".

Andrew Smith did another skit with Geron at Wildfire, which those who attended Wildfire back then will be happy to reminisce about. That skit was called "Orangeman" and involved cutting a slit in an orange (which was meant to represent a mouth) and poking holes in the orange and filling the holes with cloves (which was meant to represent eyes). The skit always ended in mushing up the orange(s) and "pulp goes everywhere". The pinnacle Orangeman skit involved a blender. Also, there was talk of making Orangeman t-shirts, but they never materialized. Another skit, apparently along similar lines, involved one "Mr. Banana".

Orangeman, consider yourself lucky for having worked under such stellar directors.

Sign me up for a t-shirt.

Andrew Smith's Pet Chicken

2005-04-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

This evening I attended Peterborough's celebration of the First Day of Ridvan (a Baha'i Holy Day). I found it to be a veritable treasure trove of guilty parties, including Robin Proctor, Laura Barkley, and Geron Bindseil. They shed some much needed light on the Andrew Smith situation. The following is a story I got from Robin.

Andrew Smith had a pet chicken who was white and lived in his garage.

Petey

2005-04-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

Don't call Andrew Smith's father "Petey". Only Andrew Smith is allowed to do that.

Also, Andrew Smith has a sister named Melanie Smith.
I'm pretty sure that I've been to Wildfire (Baha'i youth weekend camp) with Melanie Smith.

... and the vinyl

2005-04-20T15:56:00.000-07:00

Click on the title ("...and the vinyl") for a link to the website of Andrew Smith's band.

The word from Geron is "be patient... it takes a long time to load".

A Nudist Fascist?

2005-04-20T15:23:00.000-07:00

Andy showing us his softer, more naked side
Originally uploaded by ChloÃ« Jasmin Filson.

Perhaps Andrew Smith is about to engage in his favourite sport.

Sam said "don't hold back", referring to photos that could potentially be embarrassing for dear Andrew Smith. As with any counter-attack that professes to be "classy", the aim is not really to embarrass him.

I'll take your word for it, Sam.

Sam's caption for this photo was "Andy showing us his softer, more naked side".

Ilya Exposes Andrew Smith's Athletic (back)Side

2005-04-20T14:54:00.000-07:00

"i remember him saying something like this at a wildfire weekend (near toronto):
'my favorite sport is skinny-dipping'.

i believe he is allergic to dogs. or maybe cats."

- Ilya

Thanks Ilya. You're a good man.

Who Is Chloe Filson?

2005-04-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

Click on the title ("Who Is Chloe Filson?") to gain access to the website on which Andrew Smith attempts to figure out who I am, and also on which he neglects to put the dierisis on the 'e' in my name. Finally we can step (with caution, considering his "orthopedic well-being") into Andrew Smith's shoes.

Andrew Smith Harbours Unabashed Grudge Against Germany

2005-04-19T10:23:00.000-07:00

It was brought to light that Andrew Smith does not approve of birkenstocks. This fact can be gleaned from Andrew Smith's recent conversation with Esther Maloney. What did birkenstocks ever do to Andrew Smith? He seems to be taking out some repressed frustrations on them, and indulging a few prejudices as well.

Perhaps he is a victim of some birkenstock-related abuse? What was it? What, praytell, could it have been? Was he flogged relentlessly by some activist wielding birkenstocks in a riot in Venezuela in 1992? Was he taken hostage by terrorists and forced to live on a meagre diet of birkenstocks? Did he have a secret crush who wore birkenstocks and later stabbed him?

Or is it a hatred for Germany that has sparked his outrageous commentary about German products? Will he refuse to admit that Volkswagon beetles are safe, efficient vehicles, a product worthy of the Canadian middle class? Does he deny his ears the sweet melodies of Rammstein and Pills? And what of Bach and Beethoven? I was under the impression that Andrew Smith was a musician, and yet his pigheaded avoidance of all things German bars him from these cultural experiences.

Is this why Andrew Smith advocates against the magnificent potential and fantastic promise brought forward by Communism, as posited by the German Karl Marx and Frederich Engels? Coupled with his misguided ideas about what he would (no doubt) call 'bikenstock-wearing pinkos', his belief that the rise of "damn dirty apes" poses the greatest threat to human sovereignty clearly places him on the extreme right of the political spectrum. This, as we all know, is Fascism.

Andrew Smith is a Fascist.

At least the trains run on time.

Or is the endless stream of propaganda that convinces us that the trains are running on time?

When will it end, Andrew Smith, when will it end?

Andrew Smith Harbours Unabashed Grudge Against Own Feet

2005-04-19T09:57:00.000-07:00

Apparently Andrew Smith does not approve of birkenstocks. This piqued my curiosity: what, if not birkenstocks, does Andrew Smith wear on his feet?

This MSN conversation with Samuel Benoit was in no way staged. We would never do such a thing. Atrocious, the very thought!

Chloë says: (12:49:37 PM)
Hello Samuel Benoit.

Julies brother says: (12:50:11 PM)
Chloe Filson, fancy meeting you here - in cyberspace!

Chloë says: (12:50:44 PM)
Indeed! I'm rarely here. But Sam, I have a burning question to ask.

Julies brother says: (12:51:01 PM)
Please do.

Chloë says: (12:51:12 PM)
What's the dirt on one "Andrew Smith"?

Julies brother says: (12:51:28 PM)
Which one?

Julies brother says: (12:52:53 PM)
Which one? There's twelve of them!

Chloë says: (12:53:05 PM)
Andrew Nicholas McCann Smith XII, of course.

Julies brother says: (12:53:28 PM)
Ah yes! I know him!

Chloë says: (12:53:55 PM)
What quantity of dirt about Andrew Nicholas McCann Smith XII can I expect from you?

Julies brother says: (12:56:10 PM)
Dirt eh... well he is one character who seems to have waged war on his orthopedic well being, it's sad really.

Chloë says: (12:56:20 PM)
Whatever do you mean?

Julies brother says: (1:00:15 PM)
Well, he chooses to wear the sort of shoes that imprison his innocent little toes and chafe his darling little foot-hairs.

Chloë says: (1:00:52 PM)
My my. How tragic! It's a wonder his feet aren't covered in terribly ugly fungi from lack of air.

Julies brother says: (1:01:44 PM)
They might be, lassie, but no one would ever know you see, becuse his feet are unseen!

Chloë says: (1:01:51 PM)
I see.

Julies brother says: (1:02:04 PM)
No! You don't!

Chloë says: (1:02:40 PM)
Well, I can see I'm dealing with a very disturbed individual. I'll be sure to watch my back. And wash my feet.

Julies brother says: (1:02:56 PM)
Farewell.

Chloë says: (1:03:04 PM)
Cheerio.

The (Guilty) Party Gets Bigger

2005-04-19T09:29:00.000-07:00

In recent news, Esther Maloney has come forward to Andrew Smith with the fact that she, too, knows who I am. Information provided by Esther, was, by and large, in good taste.

The Foyle brothers also claim to know me.

And a big shout out to Daniel Taylor, whomever he may be, for sticking up for my privacy. Thanks. Hopefully I will not get murdered in my sleep, or even whilst I am awake. If I do, we know whose fault it will be (*cough*cough*Andrew Smith*).

Dr. Strangedog

2005-04-19T09:05:00.000-07:00

OR

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Blog

by Chloë Filson
in honour of Tundra, Andrew Smith's dog

Tundra was the greatest dog:
My pal, my canine friend
And O! How now I rue the day
He went around the bend.

A kuvasz white with crystal eyes,
His name a perfect fit.
So naturally we thought it strange
That he liked to eat his sh*t.

I don’t mean to be blunt, not I.
I don’t mean to be crude,
But I cannot rightly fathom
That he often was so rude!

I loved him dearly, it’s the truth,
My family all did too.
But how does one confront one’s friend
About something taboo?

And then one day I had a thought!
Eureka! Whoopdeedoo!
Instead of trying to stop it,
I’ll ENCOURAGE eating poo!

I’ll bring my friends! We’ll laugh it up!
And Tundra will join in!
If he is having fun, he won’t
Remember it’s a sin!

In fact, I raised the bar a bit
From local, two-bit show:
I put him on the internet
So everyone would know!

But doing that just fueled the flame;
It did not satiate.
It urged me to learn code, gave me
Desire to create.

And so I type before you now,
A man of mystery,
Trying to find this Chloë girl
Before she can find me.

You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth?

2005-04-19T08:58:00.000-07:00

andrewLick
Originally uploaded by ChloÃ« Jasmin Filson.

This photo may or may not speak for itself.

Dare I ask for an explanation, Andrew Smith?

Gesturing Wildly

2005-04-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

andrewsmith2
Originally uploaded by ChloÃ« Jasmin Filson.

Here is Andrew Smith gesturing wildly at a goose.

Who Framed Andrew Smith?

2005-04-19T08:53:00.000-07:00

andrewsmith1
Originally uploaded by ChloÃ« Jasmin Filson.

Who's framing who in this bizarre, web-based game / stalk? And I can say "stalk" with absolute confidence, because Andrew Smith has publicized both my name and my home address.

Velour?

2005-04-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

Andrew Smith b&w
Originally uploaded by ChloÃ« Jasmin Filson.

This is Andrew Smith. Looks a bit shifty, don't he?

Also, I'm not sure if that's how you spell "velour". I guess I'm just not as familiar with velour (if that is how it is spelled) as Andrew Smith seems to be.

What I Know

2005-04-18T18:02:00.000-07:00

A POSTERIORI KNOWLEDGE I HAVE GATHERED (Re: Andrew Smith):

- Andrew Smith is a Baha’i.
- Andrew Smith knows many people that I also know.
- Andrew Smith is a musician.
- Andrew Smith has brown, curly hair.
- Andrew Smith is not gay, despite what his mother (allegedly) thinks.
- Andrew Smith and Heather Smith have (often?) been mistaken for siblings, even before the inquirer knew they shared a surname.
- If one were to visit Andrew Smith in his hometown of Toronto, Ontario, one would get off at the Ossington subway station.
- There is an Osgoode subway station. I am from a different Osgoode. This makes me wonder: who was this historically semi-famous and apparently admirable ‘Osgoode’ character? Admittedly, I am not as curious about Mr. Osgoode as I am about the fabled Mr. Smith.

Somewhere Out There

2005-04-18T17:44:00.000-07:00

My name is Chloë Filson. I do exist.

“Hey Chloë, do you know Andrew Smith? Because I think you guys would really get along."

This statement has been directed at me, though perhaps not verbatim, by the following “guilty parties” (to quote Andrew himself):

Samuel Benoit
Allister Foster
Laura Barkley
David Katiraee-Parker

Other guilty parties, who are guilty because although they did not make this statement, they agreed with someone who did, are:

Robin Proctor
Heather Smith
Geron Bindseil
Layla Katiraee-Parker

I am sure there are others.

But the real question is, where is Andrew Smith?

Somewhere out there.